A giant pendulum
I won’t shed any tears for something absent, not any longer that is. I haven’t been met with indifference, which many times before I dreamed and hoped for but instead exhaustion has depleted most emotions and senses. There is a difference and I have no chance of surviving outside of it. I’m left a bit thin.
I realize that life goes on regardless of my participation. I slept for 5 years. How things are unequal and unsuitable. I would say if given a choice I would have changed. I regret it today and will keep regretting until I have the power to wake.
A beam of headlights from a car stopping in front of my house, shone through the window and for an instance, broke the darkness of the room, then disappeared. I would like to make plans. I would like to move my arms, rub my eyes, stretch and throw the covers off. I need more open fields, mountains and rivers, possibly 10 more. Morning is here and I know this because of the daylight I can see between the blinds.
Someone’s hands are stretched out over my throat. Even after I have been among you for so long, don’t you know me? I gave hints but the time was never right and I kept my reaction from you. You see the changes in me. You even mention the changes but I will never go back to being the person you knew years ago.
Dizzy with happiness? Hooray for me. Deny away and hurt me all you can but just remember, when the time comes, there won’t be enough apologies in the world to go around. Yes, I’m going to miss knowing you’re out there. I roll over and look at the clock. 2008, Fuck!
Are you a ghost now? My biggest fear is a sudden knock at the door. I can not have another detestable day full of long waits. Don’t ruin this for me because for so long my dreams were happier than my memories and I’m trying to wake and alter those shapes and form my new day.
I listen to hindsight too when I’m alone in a room like I am now with no sound and the TV on mute. I’m not trying to revolutionize my life because I still believe in my principles but I am ready for great change. I have nothing but my own life to live. You remain out there, impervious to argument and unable to utter a single word, yet you scrutinize.
There is a significant difference from the way my life was several months ago. I used to depend on you but you ignite nothing now. You’re a painting hanging on my wall – there when I go to see it but no longer there when I am looking at something else. You could have at least suffered a thousand happy heartbeats when you learned I was finally happy.
