You put it out there for me G!

Me:  I tried to listen to you, I really did. I read and reread those long rambling hateful confusing emails many times over, trying to hear and understand what you were saying. I’m trying my best to understand what happened between us. If I misunderstood, if this wasn’t about dumping anger and hostility and resentment on me, then please explain so I can understand. Every time I read them, I see a long litany of resentments and accusations, going back to the very beginning.

If I’m mistaken, and you’re not angry and resentful, then please help me understand what you are saying. Break it down for me. I am listening. How have I deceived you? Spell it out for me, please make a list. I’m not asking so I can defend myself or attack you, I honestly want to understand what I have done to make you feel that way. How exactly have I deceived you? All I can figure out from these emails is that somehow because I didn’t tell you about my new bling-studded eyeglasses, you believe I was trying to change you, refusing to accept you, “piling ridicule” on you. You said ‘that’s just about a pair of eyeglasses, not about you.’ You never told me not to buy them or wear them. I kidded you gently about them once. I’m sorry; I didn’t realize that would hurt you so much. But besides the eyeglasses, what else? Please tell me exactly how I’ve deceived you. When did I dismiss you? I can’t read your mind. I don’t understand and I want to.I’m genuinely trying to listen, and honestly willing to hear your feedback, and I want to figure out what I need to do to stop making you feel like I’m not there for you, because I have always been there for you. More than just there for you, I used to celebrate you. I knew how great you were.

You:  I’m not, never have been, nor ever will be passive about such things. I take charge. I’m very good at it, and it has never failed me- not one time. If a member of my family (that would be you) deceives me, tell them to look out. If they don’t shape up, I’ll not only be on the warpath, I’ll do everything in my power to be rid of them. I’m not joking. I’ve done it before, and doubt that I could be stopped if I decide such action needs to be taken again. It may just prevent me from suffering in the future. I get things done.

Me:  I’m not asking that you refrain from going into battle mode, only that you choose your battles wisely. And that you not totally forget about ME when you’re off in the glory of battle.

I want you to know that even when we’re not getting along, I am not The Enemy. I do appreciate everything you’ve done for me. Right now I miss my friend, having been plunged into a stressful nightmare.

 

You:  I expect that you are reeling about now. As you must be able to see, I’m not too sure that you aren’t the enemy, and I am almost positive you are the worst enemy.

Me:   And I’m thinking what you are really missing is someone you can push around at will. I could not feel any worse about what has happened to you, or us, for that matter. I’d give anything if I could change this nightmare. I’ve tried to be delicate because of it. But I feel you’ve bulldozed over me time and time again. I could try to let it pass again, but eventually, I have to be me and standup for myself. There is no way that I could keep on like this.

So instead of focusing on helping yourself like you originally intended, you end up blaming me, yelling at me, saying things that hurt me as you lash out against your own pain but end up attacking me instead.

 

~ by loriebeam on March 28, 2008.